[♪♪♪]
[STATIC NOISE]
MAN 1 [ON TV]: You looked at Ray and said,
"I want him to be my boyfriend,
but he's got to change. " What are you talking about?
WOMAN 1 [ON TV]: One of the things that initiated a misunderstanding
was that one day, I didn't want to have sex with him.
So he starts talking about calling somebody else to do it.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
MAN 2: Oh, no.
[BLEEPING]
MAN 3: Stop at 4000 and a spin.
MAN 4: That's not why it happened.
You'd been drinking, and you thought you were making love to me.
MAN 4: Yes.
["MY THREE SONS" THEME PLAYING]
JERRY: This differs from a normal massage?
LISA: It's more sexual.
JAIME: I ought to know when I see a good ball.
STEVE: Okay, maybe you're right.
Well, don't patronize me. I don't need that.
Jamie, I- No!
WOMAN 2: This television funny-man killed his brother in cold blood.
RICKI: My guests have crushes on food service workers.
Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV]
Get out. JAIME: What?
Lisa, do you want to tell them something?
LISA: Well, I'm really a man.
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING ON TV]
[REMOTE CLICKING]
[DINAH WASHINGTON'S "TV IS THE THING THIS YEAR" PLAYS]
Jesus. Where's the cable guy already?
Rick Legatos, please.
Hey, Phil.
Hey, Rick, phone. Hello? Hey, how's the move going?
Horrible. The cable guy is missing in action. I hope he gets here before I die.
You haven't called Robin? Tell me you didn't.
No. I'm giving her her space.
I can't believe she's doing this. You shouldn't have proposed.
All she had to do was say no. She didn't have to kick me out.
WOMAN: Let's go! Just give me a minute!
Listen, one sweet little piece of advice:
Slip the cable guy 50 bucks, he'll give you all the movie channels for free, even the dirty ones.
I couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff. What if he says no?
None of them say no. Never happens.
I've got to go. Talk to you later. All right.
[DIALING]
ROBIN [ON RECORDING]: Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here anymore...
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
CABLE GUY: Cable guy. Oh, great.
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
CABLE GUY: Cable guy! Don't leave!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
STEVEN: Wait! Cable guy!
I'm coming! Cable guy!
I'm coming. Don't leave.
[POUNDING ON DOOR AND DOORBELL BUZZING]
CABLE GUY: Cable guy!
[CABLE GUY GRUNTING]
Hey, wait! Come back.
Look who decided to show. You should have come four hours ago.
Should I? So I'm the tardy one?
Yeah. I was going to the bed-and-bath place. Now it's closed.
Maybe I shouldn't have come at all. Jerk off!
I'm just joking with you.
[LAUGHS]
Let's do this.
Wow. The old McNair place.
Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
What happened?
They had a lot of cats.
The comment card. Please mail it in when I'm done.
Does it go to your boss?
No, it goes to me. I'm kind of a perfectioniss-
[LISPING] Perfectionist.
Let's take a look at what we're dealing with here.
Hm.
This could be a cool pad.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby. Talk to me.
Tell me where you like it. Come on.
Hello, mama.
Is this what you want? Huh? Is this where you need it?
Talk to me.
How about this?
Oh, yeah.
That's your sweet spot, right there.
So your lady kicked you out.
What?
[DRILL WHIRRING]
In preparing your service,
I noticed you were previously wired across town at 1268 and a half Chestnut.
Last week, the billing was transferred to one Robin Harris.
Smells like heartbreak to me. I don't want to discuss that.
Just install my cable, please. Suit yourself.
No sweat off my sack.
You might want to put on a bathing suit.
You'll be channel surfing in no time.
[♪♪♪]
WOMAN [ON TV]: So ends day 54 of the trial of former child star, Sam Sweet,
who has been accused of shooting his twin brother, Stan, in cold blood.
The twins were stars of the hit sitcom Double Trouble,
which aired from 1977 till 1984.
Who broke this?
He did it! He did it!
WOMAN: Life wasn't sweet after their program was canceled.
Hollywood chewed them up and spit them out.
A frustrated Sam turned to petty larceny
while his more impressionable brother fell in with the cult called Brotherhood of Friends.
I hope they fry this bastard.
What happened? Oh.
Your furniture and appliances were causing problems with the reception.
I moved a few things. Is it cool? Yeah, I guess.
I just have some paperwork for you to fill out.
It's a drag. You just get to know somebody and then the job is done. Boo-bam.
Sign here.
Well...
I feel good about this.
Okay.
Hey, wait. Yeah?
Uh, one thing. I have this friend, and he gave his cable guy $50.
And then he got all the movie channels for free. Did you ever hear of that?
You mean illegal cable? Um, yeah.
Who told you that? What's his name? Forget it.
You're offering me a bribe.
That's illegal. In this state, if convicted,
you could be fined up to $5000 or spend six months in a correctional facility.
No, I was just making conversation. Forget it.
[LAUGHING]
I'm just jerking your chain.
[LAUGHING]
You are too easy.
Wake up. Smell the smelling salt.
I'll juice you up.
One guy doing another guy a solid. That is so nice.
Well, you're a nice guy. Many customers treat me like snot.
Like I'm a goddamn plumber or something.
Here's my personal pager number. It's for preferred customers only.
Never call the company. They'll just put you on hold.
Thanks. You'll get good marks.
Maybe I'll show you the satellite, how this whole thing works. It's incredible.
Sure, we should do that one day. How about tomorrow?
Tomorrow? Tomorrow's no good.
Why? What are you gonna do, sit around and stew about your ex?
No.
Oh.
Okay. I crossed the line. Sorry. No. You didn't cross the line.
No? Cool. Pick you up at 6:30.
STEVEN: There are 24 classrooms. Each can be converted into a home.
There's a swimming pool, two tennis courts, a gym and a stage
if the residents decide they want to perform Oklahoma!
[CHUCKLES]
Oklahoma!
STEVEN: And most important, the structure is available in foreclosure.
With a cash bid, we can steal this thing.
[LAUGHS]
Yo, Steve-o.
Tough room, but you got them. How you feeling?
Fine.
Are you having a little domestic discord?
Yeah. Robin and I are having difficulties. I moved out. I think it's only temporary.
Can I be blunt with you? If I approve this project and you screw it up, it's not going to be my ass.
Do you know what I mean? I'm on it.
TONY [ON TV]: I'm more patient. I'm more loving. They tell me this. Ha, ha, ha.
There's something in everyone's life they could improve.
If they're doing well financially, maybe their relationships suffer.
MAN 2: Call now, and you'll be rushed the "Personal Power Success System"
for a no-risk, 30-day free trial.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
CABLE GUY: Steve! Steven!
Stevie, time to leavie!
Yo, Stevie!
Hey, buddy! Come on down! Are you waiting for, an invitation?
It's the fun bus. Come on!
[♪♪♪]
STEVEN: How's it going? Hey, buddy!
CABLE GUY: I've had a few drinks, so buckle up.
[LAUGHING]
That's my humor. Hey, thanks for coming out.
Most people never take the time to understand how the cable works.
STEVEN: Where exactly are we going?
To ride the information super highway.
[♪♪♪]
I come up here to think sometimes. Clear my head.
Brace yourself.
There she is.
[♪♪♪]
She's sending entertainment and information to millions of citizens.
That's pretty impressive. See? I knew you'd appreciate this.
The future is now!
Soon every home will integrate their television, phone and computer.
You'll be able to visit the Louvre, or watch female mud wrestling.
You can shop from your home, or play video games with someone in Vietnam.
There's no end to the possibilities!
When I was a kid, my mom worked nights. I never met my father.
But the TV was always there for me. I know what you mean.
My dad might as well have been away.
That's tough. You must have a lot of abandonment issues.
Reality isn't Father Knows Best anymore.
It's a kick in the face with a steel-toe work boot
and a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery.
But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
So?
Never mind.
You're pretty love-struck, huh? Yeah, I miss her.
I proposed, and she kicked me out. I hate that.
She said I pressed too hard. Women are a labyrinth, my friend.
STEVEN: Mm-hm.
Can I be frank?
I don't think you listen to her. You tell her what she wants to hear.
She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is.
All the complicated splendor that is woman.
When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you tenfold.
You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
[♪♪♪]
You know what? Women love Sleepless in Seattle. It's on HBO this month.
That's your bait. Robin loves that movie.
They all do.
Tell her you're cooking yourself dinner, watching it by yourself,
and sound like you've just never been happier.
She'll come running. Maybe I'll give it a try.
It's embarrassing, I don't even know your name.
Do you really want to know my name?
You do? Sure.
It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.
[♪♪♪]
Um...
Goodbye.
This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand,
but I'm just saying what I think you want to hear.
I'm interested in learning about the complicated splendor that is you.
Oh.
I can see that taking this time might be good for us. I'm not mad.
Sometimes time apart is healthy. You're right.
Well, that's what I came here to say.
Ooh. I gotta get back to the office.
So, what are you doing tomorrow? Cook dinner and watch a movie.
Sleepless in Seattle is on cable. Really? I love that movie.
Oh. Well, if you're around, why don't you come by, check out the apartment.
Okay. Maybe I will. Whatever.
Hi, I'm Tabitha Soren. Today in the Sam Sweet case
the prosecution played the 911 call Sam made on the night he murdered his brother.
Keep in mind, Mr. Sweet confessed one month later.
SAM [ON RECORDING]: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My twin brother's been shot.
I think it was an Asian gang or something.
I saw somebody. He looked Asian.
He was speaking another language. I'm pretty sure...
[SNIFFLING]
It was Asian.
[CRYING]
[GRUNTING]
MAN 1: Oh, man.
MAN 2: He had the same injury last year.
Hey! You guys play here too?
Weird. I was just out and about. I thought I'd see if anybody wanted to play some round ball.
Great. We need another man. This is Chip Douglas, my cable guy.
We met a week ago, but I feel I've always known him my whole life.
Really? That's sweet.
[GUYS LAUGHING]
Chip Douglas, you're on my team. No way.
I'm on Steven's team. I'll switch teams. Let's just play.
Hold on. I've got to warm up! I don't want to pull a hammy.
Let's get it on. You any good?
Feed me under the board. You'll find out.
Check it.
Looks good.
Okay, let's see what you got, White Shadow.
Foul!
Travel! That was a travel! Whatever you say, Chip!
Oh, I see. We're playing prison rules, huh?
[FILTER'S "HEY MAN, NICE SHOT PLAYS]
Ha!
[CABLE GUY LAUGHING]
[GRUNTING]
CABLE GUY: Feed me!
Steven, I'm open! Feed me the rock!
STEVEN: Chip, over here!
[SCREAMING]
I love this game.
I guess we're done. Thanks for bringing your friend.
Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.
[CABLE GUY LAUGHING]
What are you doing?
I'm just talking trash. You ruined the game.
I don't appreciate your tone. Friends don't speak to each other like that.
What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.
Well, let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.
I'm going home.
I guess we'll talk later. I gotta go shower and do some stuff anyway.
MACHINE: You have 11 new messages.
All right.
[BEEP]
MOTHER: Steven, it's Mom. Call me. I'm still your mother, you know.
FATHER: I'm getting on. Steven, call your mother.
CABLE GUY: Hey, Steven. Give me a ring. I'm at 555-4329.
[BEEP]
What's up, Steve? I'm at a pay phone. If you're there, pick up.
Okay. I'll be home later.
[BEEP]
Okay, I'm home. Give me a buzz when you get in.
[BEEP]
It's me again. I was taking a whiz. Thought you might have called.
[BEEP]
We're having ourselves a game of phone tag here. Ha, ha.
[MACHINE FAST-FORWARDING]
I was just blow-drying my hair. Thought I heard the phone ring. Anyway, call me. We'll talk about it.
[MACHINE FAST-FORWARDING]
Steven, I think your machine is-
[MACHINE FAST-FORWARDING]
Oh, shit.
[PHONE HANGS UP THEN DIAL TONE]
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
Hi. Hey, good to see you.
You too.
[CHRIS O'CONNOR'S "STANDING OUTSIDE A BROKEN PHONE BOOTH" PLAYING ON STEREO]
So how's work? Work's good.
How's Hal?
How's Hal? Don't get me started. The guy has no vision.
It's like working for Mr. Magoo. And those hair plugs...
I know.
He's just an utterly useless person. I think I hate him.
Ha, ha, ha. Ah.
It's nice to see you doing so well. Well, it's nice just to see you.
Hey. It should be on now.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Damn it. Son of a bitch. The cable's out.
Oh, wait. I know what to do. The cable guy is a friend of mine.
I'm a preferred customer. All I have to do is page him and we should have this fix in no time.
[PHONE DIALING]
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Hi. Is there a problem with your service?
Yeah. My cable's out.
Really? So you called me.
Funny, how you call when you need something.
Is that how you treat people?
I've been busy. Can you get my cable going? Robin is here.
Hey. Please. This is important. But calling me back isn't?
I'm sorry. Please. Can you help me out?
Why should I help you? I gave you free cable.
What have you ever done for me? Anything you want. Just name it.
Tomorrow night we hang out. Fine, anything you want.
God bless you. You're too good to me, really are.
[SWITCH CLICKS]
Ta-da.
All set!
What's with the cut cord? That's for effect. See you tomorrow.
She's pretty. Don't kiss her. Don't even touch her.
Resist the urge at all costs. It'll pay off in the end.
[MAKES HONKING NOISE]
See what I'm saying?
Enjoy the flick.
That was fast. Yeah.
Are you okay? I'm fine. Don't I look fine?
SAM [ON TV]: That isn't how it's done. I'd rather just see somebody I like.
Get a feeling about them, and ask them if they'd like a drink.
JONAH: Or a slice of pizza? Does it still work this way?
JONAH: It doesn't. They ask you. I'm starting to notice that.
JONAH: If you get a new wife, do you get to have sex with her?
SAM: I certainly hope so. Will she scratch up your back?
SAM: What?
JONAH: In movies, women always scratch the man when they're having sex.
How do you know this? Jed's got cable.
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE ON TV]
[GUNFIRE AND INDIANS YELPING ON TV]
[DOGS BARKING ON TV]
MOTHER: Okay, Mommy's got to go out now.
When will I get a brother? You said I was gonna get a brother to play with.
That's why Mommy is going to happy hour.
Just sit there with Mr. Babysitter, and he'll take good care of you.
Don't sit so close to that thing. It's going to rot your brain.
Why didn't you take my call? I can't always pick up the phone.
Your nostrils flare out into little wings when you're mad.
[GUNFIRE AND MEN SCREAMING]
Sorry about yesterday. I was in a weird mood. How did evertyhing go with you?
Keep them closed. Pretty well. About the other night-
You're not peeking, are you? I want this to be a surprise.
I really don't need to be surprised. Where are we going?
Only the finest restaurant in town.
Open, sesame.
Medieval Times?
[CABLE GUY MIMICS HORN TOOTING]
CABLE GUY: I knew you'd like it. I come twice a week.
Welcome to Medieval Times. I'm your serving wench, Melinda. Care for something from the barkeep?
Dost thust have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate?
He has been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has a king's thirst for the frosty brew.
I'll be right back, My Lord. My thanks to ye, fair wench.
Boom-bam.
Oh, thanks.
Look, I have to tell you- This is kind of difficult.
Hold that thought. Show's on.
[HORNS TOOTING]
Welcome to a magnificent journey into the past.
This is Medieval Times!
[CHEERING]
Are you prepared for a night of feasting and sport
the likes of which you'll never forget?
Yes!
Stand up and cheer for your section's knight.
Let the games begin! The blue knight rules!
The red knight sucks the big one! You're going down, red knight!
Going down, down, down! Red knight going down!
Down, down, down. Red knight going down!
Smite him!
Could I get a knife and fork? There were none in medieval times.
Hence, none at Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
No utensils, but there was Pepsi?
Dude, I've got a lot of tables.
Can I have your skin? Sure.
Check this out.
Silence of the Lambs.
Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.
[CHATTERING]
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Lord.
Listen, I want you to know, this has nothing to do with you as a person-
We have reached the climax of our competition.
Two noblemen from our audience will battle to the death
to resolve a grievance.
Master Steven Kovacs and Lord Chip Douglas, come to the fighting pit!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Let's go. What's going on?
We're going to do battle. Is this a normal part of the show?
No, but I give all the knights free cable.
They say it'd be cool if we went at it for a while.
Is it safe? Sure! That's what the armor's for.
[HORNS TOOTING]
We have to be careful not to hurt each other, right?
I cannot listen to you, for you are my sworn enemy and are about to meet your demise.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Just take it easy, all right?
[GROWLING]
Nice move.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
[SCREAMING]
Come back so that I may brain thee!
Ow! Oh! Ugh!
My leg! I have a cramp.
Are you all right?
I am now.
[THUMP]
[CABLE GUY LAUGHING]
STEVEN: Oh, my God!
That's the spirit. Let's give them a show!
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
I'm blinded! My eyes!
[SCREAMING]
I don't believe you. It's another trick.
Oh. So that's how it's going to be? You want to play rough?
Daddy can play rough!
This is like when Spock fought Kirk. Best friends forced to do battle.
[CABLE GUY HUMMING SUSPENSEFUL TUNE]
[SCREAMING]
Chip, this isn't funny! Stop it!
The name is Spock. If we don't fight to the death, they'll kill us both.
This isn't Star Trek.
Goodbye, Jim.
[SCREAMING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[HUMMING]
KING: Good fight. Good fight.
Eat! Keep eating!
Quickly! Muster atop your steed.
Get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.
STEVEN: Don't do this! Good luck to you!
CABLE GUY: This is our destiny! STEVEN: No, it's not!
CABLE GUY: Yes, it is! Yes, it is! STEVEN: No, it isn't! No, it isn't!
CABLE GUY: Is! Is! STEVEN: Isn't! Isn't!
[GROANING]
Are you all right?
Well done, good sir. You are the victor.
But we will meet again.
[LAUGHS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Yes!
Whoo!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
[CRACKING]
Oh. Did you hear that? Yeah.
Thanks.
You have a warrior's instinct. I had a real feeling of power.
If Robin had seen you, she'd be begging you to come back.
These knights get laid all the time.
STEVEN: We should go again next week.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
MACHINE: You have no messages. Nobody loves you.
I left something in the living room. Will you check it out for me?
Just a little piece of equipment.
What do you think? What is all this?
It appears as if someone has updated your home entertainment system.
I got you the big-screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine
and THX-quality sound that would make George Lucas cream his pants.
You got in here when I was out?
How else could I get the stuff in?
How much did all of this cost? Practically nothing.
I have a connection. I hook him up, he hooks me up.
I can't accept this. Why not?
You give me something more valuable. Friendship.
You give me friendship. We're even.
You have to take this stuff back.
Okay.
Can I leave it here till Saturday? Sure. No problem.
ROBIN [ON RECORDING]: Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here anymore.
If you wanna reach him, call him at 555-3837.
Hey, it's Steven. I'm still trying to reach you.
I'm at the office. Call me. Bye.
[TAPPING ON WINDOW]
How's it going? Good.
Good. Keep it up. It's your ass. Right.
[INTERCOM BEEPING]
WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]: It's Robin on line two.
I had the best time the other night. When will I see you again?
How about tomorrow? Chip.
Ha, ha, ha. I knew I'd get you on the phone that way.
Let's break the cherry on that karaoke machine.
What does that mean? Karaoke jam. No ifs, ands or buts.
Maybe a few buts. Big ones!
[♪♪♪]
[SINGING "AMERICAN WOMAN"]
You're going on a date? I thought we had fun the other night.
We're not officially back together. And you said time apart is good.
Yes. Time apart from each other, but not with other people.
That's time with someone else.
I love you, but I have to go. Bye. Bye.
This is just a sign that you need to live a little.
She's having fun. You should too. Maybe you're right.
You're damn right, I'm right.
Oh, I got you a little something. You said we were even.
You're breaking the rules. So shoot me.
What is it?
Dr. Sweers.
My brother thought it might help you with your lisp.
This is- There's no words It's no big deal.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It is to me.
Now I'm on a mission.
This is going to be the best damn karaoke jam ever.
[HUMMING "AMERICAN WOMAN"]
[MIMICS GUITAR RIFT]
CABLE GUY: We're really bopping!
Whoo!
[MIMICS GUITAR RIFT]
STEVEN: You have some nice friends. They're just preferred customers.
Whoa. Chick alert, 2 o'clock. What a licorice.
Don't look. You're just playing with me.
Uh-uh. She's all over you. Shut up.
I'd strike while the iron is hot. He who hesitates, masturbates.
Go.
Hey. I'm Steven. Heather.
Can I get you a beer? How about a tequila?
All right.
Hi, Rick.
That'll be a good one.
Glad you accepted my invitation. Steven invited me.
Look at him. He's having a super time.
He's changing. You'll have to learn to live with that.
I don't know what your story is, Chip Douglas, but I'm going to find out.
Don't dig too deep. You might get burned by the molten lava.
[SCOFFS]
I'm out of here.
[SINGING NEXT'S "ROCK ON"]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
The soothing sounds of Raul, ladies and gentlemen.
You had honey in your voice. Do a song for us.
No, I couldn't. No, I really couldn't. MAN: Come on.
All right, already! Ha, ha, ha.
I fought the law, and the law won.
Jefferson Airplane performed this song in Gimme Shelter,
a film about how the Hell's Angels had their way at a Stones concert.
Tonight, it's my turn.
MAN [ON SPEAKERS] One, two, three.
[SINGING "DON'T YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO LOVE"]
MAN: Yeah!
What do you do? Can we talk in the other room?
All right.
[SCREAMING]
[CONTINUES SINGING "DON'T YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO LOVE"]
We just had a baby born at the party.
We need an ambulance over by the scaffolding!
[SCATTING]
It's the summer of love, baby. Let's leave these two alone.
Smile! That's going to be a good one.
REN [ON TV]: Hee-yah!
[CABLE GUY LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
Good morning, and how are we today?
I borrowed this sweatshirt. Bacon and eggs, coming up.
Where did Heather go? She left early this morning.
You cad.
What a night. Just what I needed. Well, I'll tell you something.
You look like a new man. I feel like a new man.
I was getting so used to rejection. I really liked her.
Hey. It was my treat.
What do you mean? You can buy next time.
Don't let your eggs get cold. Buy what?
What do you mean, buy what? The women.
Do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
Of course. We couldn't get a woman like that without paying.
Oh, my God. This can't be happening.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
It's okay. She's totally clean. I checked her out about a week ago.
To make sure she was good. And I'm healthy as a horse. Not a drip.
Would you like some juice? You're kidding. She's your friend.
Ha, ha. I wish I had friends like that. Get out of my house.
She was a working girl, but she liked you.
You might even have got a freebie.
Just get out now. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin will never forgive me.
I'll tell you how to handle that. Don't tell her. I'll help you get her back.
I want you out of my apartment. And get this stuff out of here.
Why are you doing this? You're sabotaging yourself.
Out. Now.
Everything was going so well. Why are you doing this?
I made you breakfast, and we were eating-
Out!
I'll fix this. I can make it cool again.
Out!
This is just a speed bump! I'll make it better!
May I help you? No. I'm meeting someone here.
[CURTIS MAYFIELD'S "PUSHERMAN" PLAYS]
MAN: I apologize about last night. I came home and I just fell asleep.
Most appreciated.
Gail tells me you're coming out of a relationship. That must be hard. Heh, heh, heh.
We're in a holding pattern. A holding pattern?
You need to come down and refuel. Heh, heh, heh.
You're sexy. You heard me. What?
You've been working hard. Take a break.
Excuse me. What's the story with our chicken?
Have the eggs had a chance to hatch? Maybe you can go check on it for me.
I'm sorry to put you out.
See the attitude? Unbelievable.
I'm hysterical now. What were we talking about?
What's your job like?
It's a little crazy right now
Wait. I need to use the head. I want to find out about your job.
What's with the chicken?
CABLE GUY: Enjoy your meal. MAN: Thank you.
Good evening, sir. Hey, Stretch.
Pleasant night, isn't it? Yeah, not too bad.
The weather is always nice in here. The winters are remarkably mild!
[LAUGHING]
If you need anything, let me know. I got it under control.
Unbelievable. It's no trouble.
What is your-? Argh!
People rarely take advantage of my services. I'll help you wash up.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
You're on a big date.
Argh! You'll need to look your best.
[DIZZY GILLESPIE'S "SALT PEANUTS" PLAYS]
That'll take care of the shine. Now, let's pluck those eyebrows!
She loves me, she loves me not. Ow! Ow!
She loves me. Ow!
She loves me not. Ow!
A little José Eber...
[CABLE GUY GRUNTING]
a touch of Alfalfa...
and boom-bam, we're ready to dry you off!
Ooh! Right into the buckle. That's got to hurt!
Suck it. Suck the air.
You look just like Dizzy Gillespie.
[SCATTING]
Pow! Pow!
[SINGING "SALT PEANUTS"]
[SNAPPING FINGERS]
Don't worry about the tip. But I've got one for you.
Stay away from Robin. She's taken.
Boo-dap!
[CABLE GUY SCATTING]
A man was beaten in a restroom by a bathroom attendant.
The victim is unable to speak, but witnesses described the assailant.
We'll be right back.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on UPN: The trial that has captured the nation.
Everyone awaits the verdict, but we're showing the movie now.
Crybaby. I love you.
No, Sammy! Look who's crying now.
[GUNSHOT ON TV]
ANNOUNCER: Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet in Brother Sweet Brother.
Parental discretion advised.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
ROBIN: Who is it? It's the cable guy.
My cable's fine.
I have an upgrade order for one Robin Harris. Rainbow package. That's every channel available.
I didn't order that.
I guess you have a secret admirer.
Is it a man named Steven? I can't say.
Come on. I promised Steven I wouldn't say.
Oh, look what I've done.
You didn't hear it from me. Heh, heh, heh. Hold on.
[♪♪♪]
CABLE GUY: Oopsie-daisy.
Male witches are the worst kind. He's not a witch.
[BOTTLES CLANGING]
That about does it. My work is done.
Okay.
That was hot up there.
Are you a friend of Steven's? I'm proud to say that I am.
I recently installed his cable and we just hit it off.
Are you guys going out a lot? Not really.
That guy is devoted to you.
[SNIFFS]
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but he thinks you're the cat's pajamas.
ROBIN: Oh.
Did he say that?
[HUMMING]
Only every five minutes. Frankly I'm sick of hearing it. I'm just joking.
He's a good man. Yeah.
He mentioned that you've had some problems.
Yeah. It's a little complicated. It always is.
I asked a woman to marry me once.
She wanted to think about it. We agreed to take some time apart.
You know Give each other space.
Well, she's no longer with us.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Sometimes you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Promise me you'Il never go bungee jumping in Mexico.
I promise. Anyway,
I've said too much.
Thank you.
Cherish him, Robin. Every hair on his head.
[PHONE RINGS]
Excuse me.
Hello. ROBIN: I love you.
Robin? I love you too.
That was so sweet of you.
Oh, well-
You didn't have to do that. I- I wanted to.
Giving me free cable. Only you would do something like that.
Oh.
I wanted to do something for you, but you needed space, so...
Let's not make any more rules. Okay.
Call me later if you're around. Sure, as soon as I get home.
Bye. All right. Bye.
Dude. Are you ready to rock? Oh, the concert. Oh, Jesus.
I think Robin and I are getting back together.
So you're blowing me off again. I won't put up with it anymore.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Can't you ask someone else to go? Maybe I'll take my cable guy.
I'll call you later-
Pretty smooth work. I set them up, you knock them down.
What? Robin. I got her back for you.
How do you know about us? Free cable's an aphrodisiac.
Don't mess around with my life. I wanted to make things up to you.
Do you want to catch a flick?
I appreciate you helping me out with Robin.
Now I'll have to work extra hard not to screw things up again.
You're a nice guy, but I just don't have time for a new friend.
Okay?
What are you trying to say? I don't want to be your friend.
I appreciate your honesty. You're a straight shooter.
So you're all right? Hey, I'm a big boy.
It's no big deal. Whatever.
You're sure? Uh-huh. I'm fine.
[GULPS]
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGING]
Robin Harris. Hey, it's Chip Douglas.
Chip Douglas? The cable guy.
Oh.
Hi. What's up?
I feel kind of weird calling you. I'm worried about Steven.
What is it? Something isn't right.
He doesn't seem like himself lately.
Have you noticed anything? No. Things are going really well.
Good. That makes me feel better.
Should I be worried? No. Maybe I'm being too nervous.
[CHUCKLES]
Let's just keep our eyes open. All right. Okay.
Okay.
Bye. Bye-bye.
Stevie, you did it, man.
You put our cajones on the table and you slam-dunked it.
Way to go. Now they'll probably give him my job.
On to the next order of business.
[WHISPERING] Steven, I need to talk to you.
[MOUTHING] Not now. Go away.
HAL: We have to find an architect.
I need to talk to you. It shall wait.
Is there a Steven Kovacs here? Yeah. What's the problem?
You're under arrest for receiving stolen property.
I don't know anything about this. Do not speak until spoken to.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in court.
You have the right to an attorney. I didn't accept any stolen goods.
CABLE GUY: Deluxe karaoke machine. Big-screen TV.
Cream his pants.
I can't believe you did this. I didn't do anything.
He gave you a big-screen TV and a hi-fi system as a present? You expect me to believe that?
I swear it's true. Why would you accept such gifts?
I don't know. I shouldn't have. What's going on? Are you on pot?
I didn't do anything! Just call my cable guy.
Nobody named Chip Douglas works for the cable company.
This can't be happening. It's killing your mother.
When can you get me out? There'll be no bail hearing today.
You have to spend the weekend here.
PRISONER 1: Look at the pretty boy!
[PRISONERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
PRISONER 2: They call me the pumper. I'll be your friend.
Lock down!
You hear anything?
I came as soon as I could.
What's your real name? Larry Tate. That's not important.
We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV. I found a loophole.
I'll talk to the judge. I'll put the system on trial.
Why are you doing this to me? You did this to you.
You set me up. No. I taught you a lesson.
I can be your friend or your enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
I'm just here to comfort you.
Come on, touch it. Huh?
You need human contact. Touch it.
I will not touch it.
What are you doing? Stop it. I know how you're feeling!
Don't do that. I'm here for you!
[SOBBING]
Don't do that! You'll get me killed!
Oh, Billy.
[CABLE GUY SOBBING]
I'm just messing with you. Ha, ha, ha.
Remember Midnight Express? Oliver Stone won an Academy Award.
Awesome scene.
Guard! This is the man who framed me. Arrest him.
Hey, Bernie, how's that sports package? All right.
Don't worry about Robin. I'll take care of her.
If you go near her, I'll kill you. GUARD: That's it. Let's go!
[DOOR LOCK BUZZES]
This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
You've been blowing me off. This guy's doing a number on me.
I told you to stay away from him. You said I could get free cable.
Did I tell you to have a karaoke jam with him?
I'm out on bail.
I'll see if I can track him down. What was his name?
Larry Tate. But he told me his name was Chip Douglas.
Chip Douglas? That sounds familiar.
Are you okay? Yeah. I'm fine.
You're not fine. I just want to get this over with.
I hate visiting my parents.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Is this guy cool? Just joking. Come in, you psycho.
What is he doing here? I invited him.
When?
At lunch the other day. You had lunch with him?
You look great. And you are a vision.
Hello, Steven. You look rested. Come here.
What's wrong? You seem weird. You had me sent to jail.
I should take you to the police. You can if you like.
But I'd hate to have to show Robin this.
Bastard! Let's just have a good time tonight.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Steven is carrying his battle ax and chasing me.
So I say, "Hey, it's just a show! What are you trying to prove?"
[ALL LAUGHING]
He takes things too seriously. The guy almost took my head off.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You never played Porno Password? It's the adult version of the show.
Robin, you're on my team. Steven, you're with Mom.
You're the judges.
Pick a word.
[SNORTS]
WOMAN: Oh. Heh, heh, heh.
[WHISPERING] The password is
vagina.
I really don't want to play. Come on, Steven.
Woman.
Uh, man?
No.
Penis.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Penis.
[LAUGHING]
Penis. Vagina?
Yes! Yes!
She got vagina! She got vagina!
I would have said "schlong. " Now we're starting to get this!
[PEOPLE GIGGLING]
[WHISPERING] The password is...
nipple.
Can I pass? FATHER: Don't be a stick in the mud.
Breast.
Tit?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Remember his clue. Mm-hm.
Hard.
Erection? No. But thanks for noticing.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Your turn! Center.
Center! Nipple?
CABLE GUY: That's it.
She got it! Mom.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISPERING] The password is...
I'm not sure how to say this.
That little thing...
No. I can't say that to my mother. She can handle it.
No. I won't do it. I've had enough!
It's just skin, Steven. No. I don't want to do it anymore!
You're overreacting. No! He's fooling you all.
He's a lunatic and a felon. Whoa. Everybody just relax.
We knew this would happen. Nothing is happening!
This is a safe place. You're with people who love you. Right, everyone?
We love you. I hate you! Get out of my life!
He's angry with me. I should go. No.
You are being an asshole. Do you see what's happening?
You're hitting bottom. Stay away from me.
Come on, now. This is where the healing begins. Come on. Come on.
[WHISPERING] Robin showed me her birthmark. It's very sexy.
[SLURPING NOISES]
[ALL GASPING]
What the hell is wrong with you?
Thanks for the delightful evening. I guess I'll be leaving now.
I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
Did anybody notice I'm late? You've been here for an hour.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
How's Hal?
Don't get me started. That man has no vision.
It's like working for Mr. Magoo. If only somebody would dump Hal.
Ha, ha, ha. And those hair plugs, awful to look at.
Hair plugs- Hair plugs- Oh, shit.
STEVEN [ON COMPUTER]: He's so pathetic. I think I hate him - Hate him...
[♪♪♪]
If only someone would dump Hal.
I- I don't hate you.
STEVEN: Those hair plugs. Get out.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPING]
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[CAR ALARMS RINGING AND HORNS HONKING]
Chip! Chip.
This isn't funny!
Where are you?
[ALARMS AND HORNS STOP]
CABLE GUY [WHISPERING]: If you build it, he will come.
[CABLE GUY HUMMING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Bingo! My Three Sons.
Chip and Ernie Douglas. I have a list of ex-cable men.
Check these names: Murray Slaughter.
George Jetson. Jean-Luc Picard.
Someone called The Big Ragoo. Carmine, from Laverne & Shirley.
That's so sad that you know that.
Anyway, the cable company in town fired a guy six months ago
named Darrin Stephens.
His boss was Larry Tate, from a show called Bewitched.
He's not with the cable company? Yahtzee!
They fired him for stalking customers. He's deeply troubled. You better lock up tight.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: In the Sam Sweet Trial, the jury is close to a verdict.
They will continue deliberating into the evening hours.
MAN 2: The day started real nice, but now the moisture is increasing.
We see thunderstorms...
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
CABLE GUY: Cable guy!
[DOORBELL BUZZING AND POUNDING ON DOOR]
Cable guy!
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
Cable guy!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
[CABLE GUY SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Cable guy!
[THUMP]
[SCREAMING]
[THUMP]
[THUMPING]
Ugh!
[CABLE GUY WHIMPERING]
Okay, I'm going! I'm taking off.
[FOOTSTEPS]
See you! Bye.
[DOOR RATTLING]
[CABLE GUY SCREAMING]
I just want to hang out! No big deal!
[♪♪♪]
Ah!
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? We could have been blood brothers.
But you're too needy. It's a real turn-off. Ask Robin.
The cable company fired you. You're not even a real cable guy.
Hold on. I have call waiting. Beep.
[HUMMING]
Knock it off. I know it's you. Beep. Sorry. Where was I?
Can't we work this out? I wish we could.
I'm just so tired, Steven. Where are you?
I'd love to chat,
but I'm getting together with a lady friend.
You might know her. Stay away from her!
Goodbye, Steven. Click.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Robin!
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
Robin! She just left with the cable guy!
Where were they going?
No. I heard him say they were taking a ride
on the information super highway.
[THUNDER CRACKING]
The future is now! Ha, ha, ha.
Soon every home will integrate their television, phone and computer!
You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel,
or watch female mud wrestling on another.
You can shop from your home, or play video games with someone in Vietnam.
I want to go home now. I'm worried about Steven.
Steven. Steven.
Steven, Steven, Steven.
[LAUGHING]
ROBIN: Help! Robin!
Where are you?
ROBIN: Steven! STEVEN: I'm coming!
ROBIN: Help me! Hang on!
Ugh!
Steven, look out! Yes, Steven! Look out!
[GROWLING]
Ha, ha, ha!
"Dry land is not a myth! I've seen it. " Kevin Costner, Waterworld.
Leave him alone! I saw that movie six times! It rules!
Isn't it funny that we ended up like this?
Ugh! Ow!
[LAUGHING]
[WITHOUT LISP] You'll have to do better than that, Steven.
Steven? Steven.
My lisp is gone!
[LISPING] You stupid son-of-a-bitch.
ROBIN: Stop it! Steven! I'm coming!
CABLE GUY: The trouble with real life is, there's no danger music.
[CABLE GUY HUMMING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]
CABLE GUY: Nice jump, Spiderman!
Oh, God.
CABLE GUY: Uh-oh. Steven called the fuzz!
Bad boy, bad boy, what you gonna do?
Could you skooch over just a tad. Thanks.
[STAPLER FIRING]
Here comes our hero. Okay. Easy.
It didn't have to be this way. What are you planning to do?
I don't really have a plan.
I'm going moment to moment now. Winging it, really.
You have to admit, it's a cool place for an ending.
An ending to what? It's like GoldenEye.
No, it's not. It's not like anything. This isn't a movie! This is reality!
COP [ON BULLHORN]: This is the police. You're trespassing in a restricted area.
I just wanted to be your friend,
but I screwed it up.
COP: You are in a high-voltage area. What's that?
Come again?
Oh, I see. You want me to quiet down and chill out in front of the TV?
[LAUGHING]
You were never there for me, were you, Mother?
You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me.
I'm the bastard son of Clair Huxtable!
I'm the lost Cunningham!
I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life!
Oh, God!
[CLANGING]
That's it.
That's what I have to do!
Yep. No. Don't do that! Come down.
Let's go out and have a Heineken. ROBIN: Yeah!
I'm not thirsty anymore.
See you.
No!
You're not going anywhere!
It's okay! I understand my purpose now!
Don't do this. You just need help. We all get lonely.
Yeah. But I get really lonely. I mean, look at me! Come on!
I'll be your pal. Just come on up!
No. It's too late for me.
But there are a lot of cable boys and girls who still have a chance!
Don't you understand, Steven?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
[SIGHS]
This is the moment we've been waiting for. The jury is ready...
WOMAN 1: The jury has notified the judge that they've reached a verdict.
WOMAN 2: We are live. The jury is seated and the verdict...
[REPORTERS SPEAKING IN VARIOUS FOREIGN LANGUAGES]
MAN 1: The moment of truth... MAN 2: Sweet has been found...
[STATIC NOISE]
[ALL GROANING]
Help. Help.
Preferred customer, my ass!
[TV TURNS OFF]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[GRUNTING]
Phew.
[CABLE GUY MIMICS RADIO NOISE]
Squad 51. Squad 51. Man down. Possible back injury.
Nancy, we'll need an IV with D-5-W.
Check vital signs. Administer drip.
Prepare to defibrillate! Clear!
[CHOPPER WHIRRING]
[POLICE SIREN WAILING]
Wait!
You two will be just fine.
Take care of him, Robin. He's good people.
You never told me your real name.
You still want to know my name?
Yeah.
It's Ricardo.
Ricky Ricardo.
[LAUGHS]
Babaloo!
I'm just messing with you.
[COUGHING]
[GROANS]
Let's go home.
[CABLE GUY GROANING]
Hang in there, pal! You're going to make it, buddy!
Hey.
Am I really your buddy? Yeah, sure you are!
[♪♪♪]